Thursday, December 30, 2004

Create a Gift Card™

Because Wal-Mart is CLEARLY the only place to go to Create a Gift Card!™

So I just found out the other day that my friend whom I did not know had bought me a Christmas Gift, had indeed bought me a Christmas Gift.

I did the only thing I could think of this late in the year: I went to Wal-Mart to buy a gift card.

I stride right into this little place of heaven, grab my choice of gift card, and although their Create a Gift Card™ selection isn't that great, I still chose the best one: "Congratulations _________!!!" :-)

I go up to the cashier, and stick it on the conveyor belt.

I immediately realize that I have gone into the wrong cashier isle. Quickly I look for a way out, only to find that I am next in line; the woman behind me is throwing very nasty looks for I have not moved forward into the queue yet.

"Here you are,” I say happily, trying to see some light in this woman's face. All I see is hatred towards everyone. Such a kind and loving soul I had landed this day.
"How much you want?" The woman grunted.

And, being the smartass that I am replied,
"Oh, a couple hundred thousand would be okay,” I said, smiling, "Just make the check out to me please."
"You serious?" The woman grunted again, hatred etched onto every line of her face.

"Oh!" I say in mock realization, "You mean the gift card!"

The woman’s eyes seemed to deepen.

"Yes, just fifteen bucks will be okay,” I said finally.
"You mean on this card?" The cashier clearly plays back.
"Very funny, yes on that card,” I say, eyeing her with intensity.
"Are you sure?"
"Wait, how much was that again?" The cashier says, her devilish eyes boring into mine.
"Fifteen bucks!" I say, now getting slightly irritated.

"Okay...wait, are you sure you want this card?" She says, pure glee playing across her face now.
"Yes." I say sternly, trying to make my tone sound final. My grin turns into a slight grimace.
"Sure thing!" She says, swiping the gift card to put the right amount on it. "Oh, how much did you want on this card today, ma'am?"
"Fif. Teen. Bucks. Now." I say slowly, my teeth clenched. I am not joking anymore.
"Ah yes!" The woman says, finally tapping her keyboard.

I swear that as soon as I walked away from that cashier, I could hear her laughing.

I’m sure that cashier will be telling all of her coworkers about messing with her in the future.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Tell a Lie

Doesn't matter if it is a little white lie or a humongously large (overkill?) lie...Buttttt...TELL ONE!

Even if it has to be in the comments section of this entry, you had better tell me one either here or in an E-Mail. (As I've found out so many prefer the latter)

Example of a Little Lie:

"I weigh 85 pounds.” (Quoted by Me)

Go ahead, you can laugh now.

Example of a BIG Lie:

"I'm a millionaire...can I have that watch?” (Quoted by a Random Person in Wal-Mart)

Or, one can even make a game out of lie! It's called a "Lie Detector". What you do is you say three things about you, two statements that are true and one that is false, and then you see how many people can tell the lie from the truth. (Works best if you are in person and do NOT know them...Duh.)

Example of Lie Detector:

My name is Jillian.
My initials are "J.F.K."
I do not own a computer.

You can also mix around the lie to make it look more convincing.

Example of a "Mixed Around Lie Detector":

I love the Harry Potter movies.
I hate reading blogs.
My name is Jillian.

Can you tell which one is the lie?

Friday, December 24, 2004

Enjoy a BK Holiday!

LOL! Oh I was laughing so hard when I came across this on the Internet today.

BK Holiday

Have yourself a wonderful BK Holiday! :-)

PS. Merry Christmas Everyone!!! Hope you get everything you could ever ask for, and more! :-)

Monday, December 20, 2004

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NOTE: In order to read this properly, you need to start at the bottom and read up.



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.niarb ym gnitruh osla si tI

.seye ym struh sdrawkcab gnipyt esuaceb trohs yrev eb lliw tsop siht ,uoy rof ylikcuL

.uoy fo duorp yrev ma I neht ,gniyas ma I tahw tuo erugif nac uoy fI .od ot sgniht pu gnikool saw I nehw kcirt tean yllear a saw siht taht thguoht I

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Dear Noteworthy College Student,

I know that you are excited that your finals have ended, and that you are going home today.

What I don't enjoy is getting on an elevator with you.

The "Time of the Toddler" is over now, please embrace the Adult within you.

And, if you could please, stop pressing all of the elevator buttons in "Celebration of Ending Finals".

Even though you get to get off on the 6th floor, I have to endure another 11 every-floor-stop before I reach MY landing floor.

Good for you, now please get on another elevator next time, asshole.



Monday, December 13, 2004

Answer the Phone

Me: "Hello?"
Salesman: "Yes, is this Jillian?"
Me: "Speaking."
Salesman: "Well, could I interest you in..."
Me: "Wait, I have a quick question for you before you go into the speech."
Salesman: (Sounding eager) "Yes, ma'am?"
Me: "Are you recording this?"
Salesman: (Slightly confused voice) "No, ma'am, why do you ask...?"
Me: "Oh, okay great...could...could you hold on for one sec?" (Muffled background noise)

Me: (Speaking away from the phone, roommate turns in her chair with eyes wide as golfballs) "KIDS!! KIDS! DON'T PLAY ON TOP OF THAT DAMMIT! GOD DAMN NOT ANOTHER ONE!!! MOTHER...DAMMIT!!!!! GET OFF OF THERE YOU LITTLE SNOT BITCHES..."

Me: (Said calmly, roommate doubled over with muffled laughter; I don't have any kids) "I'm sorry, you were saying?"
Salesman: (Caught off guard) "Oh, is this Ms. Jillian?"
Me: (Pretending to be agitated) "Speaking!"
Salesman: (Jumpy) "Oh! Of course, madam. I was wondering if you were planning on doing any donating this Christmas season to the Childrens..."
Me: "Wait...just...wait one more second, I'm terribly sorry about this"
Salesman: "Oh, erm, no problem ma'am."

Me: (Holding phone arms-length, yelling directly into the receiver) "KIDS!!! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES GOD DAMMIT!!!"

(Now I press the receiver to my chest in real life. I start laughing hysterically. Finally, I compose myself, and hold the phone out again. I see my roommate trying to keep really quiet while laughing; tears are pouring down her face.)


Me: (Back on the phone) "Sorry about that, you were saying?"
Salesman: "W-we offer plenty of opportunities to young children..."
Me: (Speaking over salesman, he still barrels on with his speech anyways) "DAVID! NO!!! GOD DAMMIT NOT AGAIN!!!"
Salesman: "...and if you accept to donate, we will send you a fee T-Shirt or a polo for...for the...husband?"

Me: "I have no husband."
Salesman: "OH! No offense, madam, I meant no offence."

Me: "I also don't have any kids."
Salesman: (Very confused voice) "Er...What?"
Me: "Do you need me to clean your ears?"
Salesman: "No, ma'am, I just heard you yelling..."
Me: "No, no I wasn't."
Salesman: (I can practically see his face contorting as he tries to understand what I just said) "You...weren't?"

Me: "Nope."

Me: (Hangs Up)

Friday, December 10, 2004

Dear Noteworthy College Student,

I am just sitting here on a Friday night, trying to get SOME of my group work done before the Big Day tomorrow.

Although your music is awe-inspiring with the lyrics of Nelly and JaRule, I do NOT enjoy watching the scissors on my desk vibrate and fall into the trash can because my ENTIRE DESK is vibrating!

So, butthead, I’ll give you to the count of 10 to turn down your music.

What? You can’t count that high?

Hello...Did you hear me?

I said I would give to the count of TEN to turn down the damn MUSIC!


No, I didn’t say I would give you to the might of Ben to fly down into the pea soup.

Yeah, you heard what I said alright, so stop being a jackass already.



Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Take the Last Piece

Today I went to Watterson Towers.

I stopped there in-between classes, so, naturally, I was by myself. I get my tray, and decide at the last minute to grab a little extra something. A piece of pie, if you will. I go up to the "Bakers Corner", and, HURRAH! One little tiny sliver of everyone's favorite, Chocolate Chip Cheesecake.

I snag this wonderful glory, admiring it from all angles inside it's little plastic container. I set it gently on my tray, and move forward to the checkout line.

Eventually, I'm sitting down next to the HUGE projector TV screen (Like a movie theatre, really) and I'm eating the nuggets I got from Chick-Fil-A, and I keep on eyeing my great prize (AKA "The Glory"), knowing I would be devouring it within a few moments.

I was a happy person.

At the end of my meal, I wipe my hands happily, and prepare to open "The Glory", fork in hand.

I'm practically slobbering all over myself now.

"Excuse me?" I hear a soft utterance just over my shoulder. I turn my head, and I see a guy standing there, looking at The Glory!
"Uhm, can I help you?" I say, my fork still poised over my beautiful prize.
"Well, see," The guy starts, blushing as the awkward moment gets longer; my patience waning.
"Yessss...?" I say, with a bite of impatience to keep him on track. He snaps back to earth, staring at my fork poised over The Glory.
"Well, I just happened to see that you have the last piece of that particular cheesecake." He says, making it sound like there was no more left in the entire universe.

"And?" I say, my mind still thinking of how that beautiful piece of cheesecake will taste in all its chocolate-y goodness, melting in my mouth.

"I was wondering if I could buy it from you,” He says, and immediately I set my fork down to look at him closely.
"Uhm, seriously?" I say, my eyebrows rose at this point. I look behind him, expecting to see that he came from a table full of giggling girls. Instead, I find a small table, situated with a newspaper, a tray with Chinese on it, and an empty chair with a jacket hung over it. This was his seat.

"Yes,” He says, relieved that I had not started yelling at him yet. He pulled out his wallet, and gave it a dramatic twitch to open it.
"Ah." He says after several moments, and withdrawals slowly a 10-dollar bill. Now my eyebrows are raised so much they are endangered of being lost within my bangs.
"You're serious." I said, eyeing the 10-dollar bill.
"Yes,” He says happily, holding out the money. "I'll give you fifteen dollars for it."

Fif-fif-fifteen bucks?!

"Uhm...I guess so." Is what I answered with. I realized now that a 5-dollar bill was hidden beneath the 10-dollar bill. He handed me the money, and took the cheesecake.
"Er...will you need my fork, then?" I ask politely, trying to bring the conversation back onto my plane.
"Oh, thank you!" He says, gleeful now. It was like watching a 2 year old unearth a particularly juicy bug.
"Uh, no problem." I say, trying hard not to laugh.

I am now 13 dollars and 67 cents richer, considering I get a discount because I go to this school.

That, and the cheesecake was only $1.43, ha ha.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Don't Make Nikki Mad


See, we were talking the other day, and it was a very - er - nice conversation.

We were having a rather weird conversation this fine day today, and somehow we stumbled onto the subject of computers (Go figure).

"So, what is the worst thing you have ever done to a computer?" She asked me, after I told her about my major and explained the whole system at our school. (It is very confusing, and no, I will not explain it now)
"Er...worst I have ever done to a COMPUTER?" I say, feeling dumber by the second. I can't really recall what the WORST was that I had done.
"Well, let me rephrase," She says, thinking hard, "Have you ever done something to a computer to have revenge upon someone else?"

Ahhhhhh. The Magic Word of the Day IS: Revenge.

"Oh!" I say, recalling my adventure in the uLabs. Remember the never-ending coughing girl? Well, I told Nikki about her.

"Oh!" Nikki said, as a stunned silence followed my story. After a beat, she broke out into laughter, practically doubling up.
"That's...GREAT!" She bursts out through great gasps. I look at her, slightly concerned she will have an asthma attack.
"I'm, okay." She says, eyeing the concerned look on my face.

"So, er," I say, still staring at Nikki, "Have you ever done anything to get revenge upon a person with a computer?"

"Ah, yes." She says, straightening up after her laughing fit.

"Oh?" I say eagerly, wanting to know and I knew I was going to laugh my head off. She is such a bright person, and I'm sure she knows how to get revenge good.

"Well, this one time, I hired a computer nerd to set a virus on my roommate’s computer..."

"You...what?" I said, my face looking stunned as these words settled in.
"You know, a virus?" She said. "I helped him with his science homework and he did this as a favor to me."
"But, what did she...why?" I say, a look of horror flashing across my face.

"She nagged me..." Nikki said, trailing off into nothingness.

She was smiling now; her eyes unfocused as she stares un-seeing at a spot just over my shoulder and do not catch the stunned look upon my face. I must have looked like I just got hit in the face with a demolition ball.
"Er...right...” I say, attempting to smile after a few minutes had gone by.

"Oh, it wasn't that hard," Nikki said, mistaking the look of surprise on my face for curiosity. "I just had to wait until my roommate was gone from the room to do it."

"Right." I say again, lamely.

"I don't get mad, I get even," She says, raising her eyebrows obviously after finally returning to Earth from her trip down memory lane.
"And...and did you get along after that?" I ask with the air of one speaking about tomorrows weather forcast.

"Oh, yes. Very well," Nikki started, smiling in an odd way again, "Especially after she paid me 65 dollars so that I could remove that particular virus for her."

Note to Self: NEVER Make Nikki Mad at me.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Dear Noteworthy College Student,

Hey, Moron! Yeah, I'm talking to you, the mentally handicapped person in front of me.

I just have one question for you:

Why are you wearing shorts?

Is must be like, negative 20 THOUSAND degrees out here, and you, my friend, are walking around as if the sun is beating on your face and tanning your skin.

Well, I have a little something to share with you:


So, get some clothes on and spare us another idiot-guy-in-class gone because of Pneumonia or Mono, okay? I'm already tired of the sheer masses of people coughing onto my beautiful self everyday, and I don't need YOU to join them because of your sheer stupidity!



Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Change the Channel

Oh God, this was so funny I just had to post about it.

The other day I was watching Ruben Studdard (famous singer, won American Idol) sing on Conan O'Brien. It was perfect; a re-run, if you will.

He was singing about freedom and love, and I thought his song was so beautiful. I was watching it with growing enthusiasm, and suddenly, he went into a sort of pause.


"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-uiiiiiiiiillllllldddddddd meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"


I was getting more confused by the second.

Then, the picture went all fuzzy, and came back two seconds later, and he was singing the same thing!

"Build me, (Echo: Build me!) Build me! (Build me!)"

Then, his face went distorted, his eyebrows contracted, was Ruben Studdard going to have a seizure and start convulsing on the very floor of Conan O'Brien's stage set?

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuu"

And it ended.

The TV was now making a LOUD buzzing sound (reminded me forcibly of the fire alarms), and with that I ran out into the hallway.

"What the HELL is that noise?" A girl a couple of doors down said, springing out of her room at a record speed. Apparently, everyone's TV that was on is now making that loud buzzing noise.

"Cool!" I say loudly, my voice echoing weirdly in the hallway.

I laughed.

Now everyone that came out of their rooms was staring at me laughing, as the sound from the TV bounced around in the hallway and into every room on the floor.

"Cool??!!” One girl shouted over the mounting and continuous annoying sound.

"Yeah," I yell to her enthustiastically, "We finally get surround sound!"