Thursday, August 18, 2005

Be a Computer Geek

So today I got so bored at work I started surfing random forums, looking at people's signatures. Most of them were really funny, so for a post I decided to put a few of them on here. :-)


"If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows had an error - he'd be a billionai...oh -- nevermind."

How to Mess With People in a Computer Lab:
  1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

  2. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

  3. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

  4. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

  5. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

  6. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

  7. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

  8. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

  9. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

  10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

  1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

  2. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

  3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

  4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

  5. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

  6. Mumbled, "Oh, pluh-eeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net".

  7. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

  8. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

  9. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

  10. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

This last list of stuff is really, truly funny so I suggest you read it, lest you find your next phone bill to be 20,000 dollars. ;-)

Friday, August 12, 2005


If you are driving behind someone, and you feel that they are driving too slow, it is common practice to signal into the left lane and 'pass' this slow person at a rate of higher speed than the 'slow person' is driving.

It is not common practice, however, to signal into the left lane, and precede to drive in the left lane right beside the 'slow person', get the attention of the person you are passing, flip them off, shout angry obscenities until you have their full attention, and then precede to almost crash your car into a ditch because you were concentrating so hard to being angry and not the road.

If this ever happens to you, then please take note that the person to whom you were 'passing' will now content themselves with laughing their ass off at you until you finish passing them.

If you are on a two-lane highway, and construction ahead reads "Warning: Left Lane CLOSED Ahead." And someone tries to pass you but doesn't have enough time and therefore has to slow down and get into the proper lane behind you -- I give you responsibility to smile and wave at the person who was trying to pass you as they slow down to get into the proper lane, thus becoming even more pissed off at you.

Not that I have ever been the "person they are passing" in any of these instances. Nor have I experienced this at least once a week, if not more, since I've been commuting daily. :-)

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Go to Red Lobster

"You ever take a shit so bad your pants fit better? [Laughter] Well, I'm hoping that will happen to me later on this evening..." - Ron White (Blue Collar Comedy Tour, DVD)

I thought I would go ahead and start off this entry with a quote because it is really funny and it is one of my most favorite movies of all time. :-)

Now don't get me wrong, this vacation was nothing short of extremely fun. However, all good or "fun" things have to come to an end...

On the way home, my family decided to stop at Red Lobster. Having to use the restroom after being in a car for 4 hours, my mother and I immediately rush into their public facilities.

As I sit in a stall doing my business, I hear a young girl and a mother in the handicapped stall next to mine.

"Mommy, I don't have to pee!" The little girl whines. I slap my forehead, wondering what this woman even came in here for.

"Poopy mommy, poopy!" A little boy's voice says. My head snaps up and I stare, wide-eyed at my door.

Now normally a mother would bring in a young son because the father wasn't around. I assumed that this was the case this time.

"Sweety, please be quiet," The mother says to whom I can only guess as the young boy in a hurried voice. I hear scuffling.

"Mommy I have to poop!" The young boy yells loudly. I laugh aloud, because just thinking of what was going on over there was making me smile. I hear a flush, and my mother comes out of her stall.

"Poop comes out of the hole!" The boy exclaims again. This time I have to stuff my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing. I can hear my mother trying to cover up her laughter by turning on the faucet.

"Poopy come out of the hole, mommy!" The boy exclaims with glee.

"Joseph, be quiet!" The mother says, and I can hear her voice quiver as if she, too were trying not to laugh. I flush and come out of the stall, and I see my mother wiping her eyes frantically from laughing so much.

"Mommy have to poop?" The little boy asks in hushed tones, I hear the little girl giggle.

"I have to Joseph!" The little girl suddenly says, and I hear more laughter.

"Stop provoking him!" The mother snaps at the daughter, I assume.

"MOMMY I HAVE TO POOPY!!!!!!!“ The little boy screams as if he is being beaten.

About five minutes later the trio comes out, the mother, looking harassed, is holding her son who is screaming repeatedly that he "DIDN'T GET TO POOP ENOUGH!!!".

"I'm really sorry about this..." The mother starts to explain, telling the little girl to help her brother wash his hands. She picks him up awkwardly, the little girl not being any older than 6 or 7 herself.

"It's...okay..." My mother says, hic-coughing from trying to hide her laughter so much.

"He's just learned to say this..." She says, turning to the sink and washing her own hands. I just dry off my hands silently, looking over my shoulder at the group gathered around the sinks.

As it ends up, we were seated right by the isle that led to the restrooms.

Needless to say the mother went by one more time, holding her screaming son saying:


And other variations, of course. Isn't he a cute one? :-)