Print Out. . .Something

Being the innocent and carefree person that I am, I went down into the "uLab", which is like a highly sophisticated computer lab down in the basement of my dorm hall. It is extremely nice because it is so quiet that one can hear a pin drop, and if someone sneezes then people in the direct vicinity (couple of computers) say "God bless you."

They are so polite.

So I went down there today and sat down next to no one in particular.

Only problem with her: She coughs every 5 seconds.

Cough-cough.
Cough.
Ahem.

I know you are all thinking, "Why is that a problem?" Well, let me start from the beginning.

I will let you all in on a little secret; I type. I type REALLY fast, and sometimes my fingers get excited and they press the keys somewhat hard, making a resounding "thud" as each keystroke is hit. When you put all of these 'thuds' together, it makes a rather annoying and never-ending sound.

Cough.

Cough.

About 15 minutes after I sat down and started to type my paper, the girl turns to me and says,
"Hey, can you keep it down over there?” I looked at her and raised my eyebrows.
"Um, I didn't even say anything. Am I breathing too loud or something?"
She just got all huffy and explained that I was typing too loud for her comfort as if I was five years of age. I just stared at her.
She fell silent and turned back to her document.

Cough-cough.
Cough.
Ahem.

"Do you need a cough-drop or something?" I say abruptly, turning towards her.
"No. Why?" She asks sweetly. I just glared at her.

Cough.
Cough.
Cough.

Cough.
Cough.

"Are you SURE you do not need anything to drink or something?" I ask, turning her way.
"Why? Am I breathing to loud or something?" She says sarcastically, clearly mimicking me. I swiftly search between her computer and mine for something sharp and pointy; nothing.

Now I am getting upset.

Cough.

My fingers tightened, and I did everything within my power to keep myself from injuring this girl very badly. I counted the second’s in-between each of her coughs.

Cough.

One mississippi; two mississippi; three mississippi; four mississippi…

Cough. Cough.

Eventually, I sent a paper with "I love myself" written about 50 times to the printer.

I casually walked over to the printer, swiped my card (which is required to do) and then selected my print job. I pretended that the printer was not printing my document quick enough, and I acted really upset at the printer.

So, I casually lifted up the lid, made sure no one was looking, and fed about 20 sheets of paper into the thing. I was expecting it to make a sound or start shooting out sparks or something, but it did none of the above. It just sat quietly with the 20 sheets of paper stuffed into it, 'Ready' to print.

Heh. Heh heh.

Cough-cough.

I quickly set the lid back into place and take my seat, smiling. I am such a mean person.

Eventually the girl that has the never-ending coughing fit had to get up and print something. And low-and-behold she is the first customer after I set up this little jam for her!

What luck!

I just stand back and watch the drama unfold.

Cough. Cough.

Cough.
Ahem.

She swipes her card, selects the print job and waits patiently for it to come out.

But it never does.

Eventually, the printer starts making a high-pitched grinding noise, then stops.
"Come on..." I hear the cough-master mumble audibly under her breath. "Please...?"

Cough.

"Oh no!!! I need this paper for tomorrow! I don't have a printer in my room!" The girl starts into a hysterical fit, seeing as how "she" broke the printer.

Heh he.

Cough. Cough.

"You didn't break it girl," The lab monitor says as if reading my thoughts and bustles over. She looks at the printer as if it is her first encounter with such an object. The printer continues the grinding noise, and paper is coming out the front in a shredded manner. I start to laugh quietly to myself.

Bad Jillian.

Cough.
Ahem.

"Now just calm down sweetie," the monitor says.
"I broke it! Will I have to pay for the printer?" The girl says, going into hysterics. “I can't believe I broke the printer! Those things are really expensive!"
"Oh, they aren't that much, and I'm sure they will take it off of your Redbird account anyways." I think she meant ‘tuition’ instead of ‘account’. Being a lab monitor, I think she should be reprimanded for this transgression.
"You mean tuition? But how much will it be?" The coughing-master asks.
"Oh just a couple grand. . .we needed a new one anyways."

Now everyone in the uLab is watching the scene unfolding in front of them.

Ha. Ha-ha.
Cough.

"A couple GRAND?!? Like thousands of dollars?" The girl seemed on the verge of tears.
Now was my cue.

"Oh for cryin' out loud," I say exasperatedly, standing up. All eyes are on me as I walk over and remove the lid, a procedure I had done just a few minutes ago.
"See what you did?" I say accusingly, pointing at an abnormally large paper jam.
"But I didn't DO anything!" The girl says loudly, covering her mouth simultaneously as if she had yelled a swearword.
"Obviously you did, seeing as how you were the last one to try and print something off," I say, eyeing her closely. "It worked fine for me!" I added as an afterthought.
"I didn't mean to...they wouldn't make me pay...would they?"
"Oh it's not that bad, this one time I broke a computer-lab monitor and they charged me 900 bucks; it was not as steep as I thought it would be." The lab monitor said as if this were a simple, everyday occurance.

At this point, I laughed aloud.
"Sorry, I just thought..." I said quickly.
"You think it's FUNNY that I have to pay for this damned thing?!?" The cough-master says, her eyes bulging as she looks in my direction. Then she goes into a hiccupping and coughing sort of fit.

Okay, now is DEFINITELY the time to be the hero and fix the damned printer.

"Here, I'll show you." I say loudly over the coughing-master's fit, and then I easily unfolded the amount of paper that I had stuffed there in the first place from the printer.

"Ohthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!" She says, her hands thrown around my shoulders in a hug.

Just in another day's work, ma'am.

Heh-heh.

Cough.