Sunday, January 30, 2005

Send Me a Website

Wow, in response to the "Send Me a Virus" post (as well as "Nose-Girl" post, ha ha), I have had SEVERAL E-Mails telling me what I should blog about next.

Am I famous?


Should you still E-Mail me to make me feel good?

Damn straight!!

Either way, so the other day this woman sends me an E-Mail, telling me that I should blog about a website that she found extremely amusing. So, intruiged by the sudden change from people telling me to blog "About the time..." to a woman giving me a website, I went with it.

And might I say I was laughing my head off the whole time.

By the way, the woman's name who sent me this E-Mail is Rita. Thank you, Rita! And if you had a website it would have certainly been posted here! :-)

So, Rita sends me a website, telling me that it is the funniest thing she has seen in awhile, and she thought that I might want to blog about it and share with other comedy-seekers.

So here I am, Derrrr!

The website is:

Black Market

Yes, if you want to buy a baby, no questions asked, then go to this website.

Is your child a mis-fit, annoying little bastard? Then look no further! Black Market is a fully non-refundable website that is able to sell your child via the Internet. Completely anonymous, just fill out the form and away you go!

You can also go as further to buy Special Products from this website as well, and make your child into the smartest one on the planet! The next Bill Gates, I tell you!

So good luck with this website, and all I ask is that you seriously think about selling your child first before doing so. It can change your life. ;-)

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Kid Around

Woah people, I was just kidding about the post about the Nose-Girl!

No need to get all hyper and bombard me with flaming E-Mails...

Anyways, in response to a few questions from my comments section and from E-Mail:

No, her nose really wasn't as big as Titanic.
No, I didn't ask her to go and sit in another seat just because of her nose.
Yes, I'm sorry I posted about such "meen and hurtfull things".

Won't happen again, but at least I know now how many people read my blog! ;-)

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Act My Age

You ever wish you knew how old you were in the mind? I know I of.

I've seen recently a trend going around blogs where people are posting about what there "Real" age is by either taking an online quiz or just posting about it.

Either way, I took an online quiz, and I found the results to be extremely entertaining.

You Are 19 Years Old


Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You’ve had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Yeah, well, that makes sense really because I'm GOING ON 19 in Two Months!


PS. It has been brought to my attention that I didn't post the link to the Quiz! LOL! Sorry about that, and thanks to Patty for that one! :-)

What Age do You Act?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Send Me a Virus

The other day I got an E-Mail, and I shall copy-and-paste it word for word right here:

"i am going to send u a virus please dont reply back to dis email because u cant stop me."

I mean, he didn't even put the correct greeting:
"Dear Ruler of the Universe - Jillian,"

Not only am I highly offended because he didn't refer to me by the proper name, but he also forgot to sign it as well:
"Yours in Christ, Satan."

So, I go into my filters, click on "Create New Filter."

Description: "To Keep All Bitch-Ass Ho's Away."
Filter: "All Attachments", "Into Trash."
Blocked E-Mails: "[Inserted the Bitch's E-Mail Here]"

Yup, that should do it.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Check My Age

So, I went to go and buy a lottery ticket the other day. Nothing major, just a scratch-off. I walk into "The Apollo Mart" (*See Below) to get a scratch-off ticket. I go up to the counter, and the man greets me.

"Hello, you pump gas?" He says, his middle-eastern accent I cannot place. I look into the clear counter to where the scratch-offs are.
"No, no gas today,” I say, smiling at him. I point at the tickets. "Can I have 5-dollars worth of those?"
"Yes, can I see ID?" He says politely, now slightly frowning as if I'm trying to fake him out. I gladly take out my license and hand it to him, still eyeing the tickets.
"Actually, I think I want the scratch-offs where you add the coins to a dollar..." I say, telling him my favorite scratch-offs that I normally 'win big' on. I couldn't see them behind the clear-counter, but I was certain he had them.

"One second please," He says, promptly turning away with my ID in hand. I look at him curiously, waiting.

How long should it take to figure out that I'm 18? I'm thinking now, watching as the scene unfolds before my eyes.

After what seemed like an eternity, he turns back to me.

"I'm sorry, I cannot sell you any ticket," He said, his face grim as he hands me back my license.
"What??" I say, perplexed.

I KNOW I'm 18 - my birthday is just a few months away! I'm going on 19 fercrissakes!

"You are not old enough,” He says, his tone sounding final. Now I'm catching stares of the people standing in line behind me. I look down at my license to make sure they have not mis-printed my birthday.
"Of COURSE I'm 18!" I burst out, thrusting out my license. He doesn't want to seem to listen to me now. "It says right here! See my birthday?"
"Yes, and you are only 18,” He says simply.

I stand there, struck dumbfounded. Did I just hear correctly?

"I know, you need to be 18 to buy a lottery ticket,” I say, for clearly there has been a misunderstanding. I get the distinct impression that he thought that one had to be 21 to buy a lottery ticket.
"Noo...Er...Is that right?" He says, turning to the other cashier.

Now this is a bright woman, I think, looking at her. She's chewing gum with her mouth wide open, her eyes scanning me.

"You have to be 18 to buy lottery tickets,” She says calmly, eyeing me like a surveillance camera.
"I AM 18!!!" I yell at her, trying to get my point across. I stuff my license into her hand before she can turn away. Taken by surprise, she stumbles back a few steps, clutching onto my license.

A moment or too passes, and I see her holding up her hand, counting on her fingers.

"Oh Lord have MERCY!" I say loudly, glaring at her. She stares back at me, her eyes blank as she keeps on adding my age on her fingers. Now the people in her line AND the people behind me are getting impatient.
"You ARE 18, aren't you?" An older-looking man says next to me who was in the woman's line. "Because I will be highly affronted if you are NOT 18."
"Yes, I am 18. Maybe I should have gone to another gas station 'eh?" I retort at the man. He stays quiet.

Finally, the woman cashier hands my license back to me, apparently satisfied.

"Okay, sell her the tickets,” She says in a tone condemning me to the death sentence.
"HALLELUIAH!" I say loudly, grinning. The man looks at me accusingly.
"Here you go,” He says, handing me the scratch-offs and looking at me like I'm about ready to jump him.
"Thanks,” I say, practically ripping the tickets from his hand.

* Name has been changed on account of how stupid the employees are

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Have a Good Dream

And you know what I mean by "Good Dream"...Ohhh righhttt.

You SICKO!! That is NOT what I meant!! What in the hell were you thinking?! And no, do not E-Mail me about it either otherwise I will hunt you down until the day you die!

Not really, that's not right, kiddies; you shouldn't stalk people...

Anyways, last night I had a really great dream, only to wake up and have an even more vivid recollection of what would've really happened in that same scenario.

* * *

"You wanna' go out to eat?"
"Sure, Sarah!" I say, already dressed and ready to go out to eat. I stuff my key in my pocket and head out the door, Sarah (my roommate) close at my heels.

"Awesome!" Sarah says, now sitting down with her tray laden with meal stuffs.
"What's that?" I say, not really paying attention.
"Oh, I was just excited to buy us dinner; I'm sorry we never hang out or anything...You are a really great person!" Sarah says, enthusiastic as she starts to scarf her food. I look down at my own tray, which contains a chicken sandwich, a pudding cup, a slice of cheesecake and some fries.

"Oh and Jillian...” She says after a few minutes of chewing, "I really think you should go out with that guy...what's his name? Dan? Anyways, him...he's really cute and nice..."
"Oh yeah?" I say, bemusedly.

* * *

Then, I woke up.

And this is the "Daydream” I had almost right after it:

By the way, this is really how she would have responded/acted to; It's Sarah fer crying-out-loud!

* * *

"Sorry, I mean...did I interrupt anything?" I say, anxious that I had upset her.
"No...I mean yeah! What the hell do you want?"
"Do you want to go out to eat with me?"
"Sure, whatever."
"Actually, no."
"What?? Why?!"
"Becauuseee silly, I have BETTER friends than you ya' know! Anyways I'm goin' with Kari and Jessi and Jenny."
"You can come if you want."
"Okay, sure."

"So anyways, I told Andy about one thousand times that I love him and I will miss him when he goes up to Wisconsin over Christmas Break."
"Nice." I say, trying to fit in.
"Oh, and what did you get on your Finite Mate test anyways?" Sarah says abruptly, now turning her full attention to me.
"Why does it matter?"
"Okay, I got a C+,” I say, trying not to frown.
"A C??!!" Sarah says, her smile breaking into a grin. "I got an A! That test was SO easy!!!"
"She's just a stupid retard anyways,” Jenny pipes in, eyeing me with malice and acting like I'm not even there.
"Yeah, I know,” Sarah says, eyeing me with dislike as well.

"You know what, Sarah?" I say, standing up and grabbing my drink.
"Yeah?" Sarah says, pushing back in her seat simultaneously.
"You are a bitch!" I yell, taking the lid off of my cup and pouring it all over Sarah. I stand there, wanting to run and hide, but somehow I'm rooted to the spot, watching as the soda fizzles all over Sarah, getting in her hair and sticking to her face and skin...
"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!“ Sarah screams.
"Because, I wanted too!" I yell back, equally loud.

* * *

And then we both run away screaming like little babies at the top of our lungs...Amen.

Also, I have to tell you that I kinda' sorta' maybe yeah made up the part about pouring my drink all over Sarah. That would have been just a minor yet vivid imaginative thing that I would have only thought of doing...

Good thing I don't have HER for a roommate next semester, 'eh? ;-)

Friday, January 07, 2005


This one is nice, right? Especially if it is part of your family and it is a good way to get blackmail. Yes, you know I'm right. Please feel free to E-Mail me about this one. ;-)

Jillian's Thoughts in Action (JTIA): "Yessss...I'll BLOG about my insane family, that's what I'll do!"

Anyways the other night I was lying in bed, drifting off to one of my favorite pastime movies that I had just purchased, "A Knight's Tale.” No matter.

Either way, I'm laying there, about ready to drift off, and all of the sudden I hear this "Riiippppppp" noise coming from the bathroom. It sounds like someone is ripping up about a hundred suction cups from a very hollow place. I sit straight up in my bed, and jump out as if I had a great nights sleep, ready for the day. I glance at my clock in the soft glow of my TV. "12:37AM" it glares back at me.

I walk slowly down the hallway, the bathroom just on my right; I see the light shining from under the door.
"Hello...?" I whisper, my voice sounding raspy as if I had just been aroused from a wonderful nights sleep.

I open the bathroom door slowly, only to find my brother, hunched over the bathtub. For a glimpse, I see our plastic bathmat rise in the air before he puts it back down. He’s on his knees, leaning over into the tub.

"Justin?" I say, bending my head down in case I scare him. He turns; his eyes seem half-asleep. "What are you doing?"
"Fixing the mat,” he says simply. I step closer, and watch as he is lining up the bathmat with the side of the tub.
"And, are you sure that's where you want it?" I say, smiling slightly. I know now he is sleepwalking at this point, and I remember a very long time ago someone telling me to carry on as if the sleepwalker is doing something completely rational and to not ‘wake’ him or her.
"No, not quite,” my brother, Justin says, screwing up his face in concentration as he turns back to his work. The mat is now perfectly lined up with the back wall and sidewall of the tub.
"Are you sure you didn't get up to go to the bathroom?" I say, flicking a glance at the toilet; it stands alone, as usual.
"Noooooo, I got up because I know that the mat wasn't in the right place!" He says, angrily, still not able to 'get the mat right'.
"Oh, look at that!" I say, pretending to be excited. My brother, slightly startled turns to me; his eyes looking far away, as if still asleep.
"What?” He asks.
"It's perfect!"
"What is perfect?"
"The mat, silly!" I say excitedly, now really throwing myself into it. Justin looks slowly back to it. He gets up, and jumps in the tub.

"What are you doing?!" I say, jumping forward, preparing myself to grab him in case he tries to randomly take a shower fully clothed.
"I have to make sure that the mat is secure,” He says, bluntly.
"Oh...well, I think it's time for bed now,” I say, helping him as he gets out of the tub. I walk back with him to his room, and make sure he is safely stored in his bed.

After I had made sure he was safely in bed, I had a split seconds' clear thought of me locking my brother in his own room and him waking up in the morning to find what I did.

However, I didn't, and instead I went back to bed.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Turn Up the Sound

The other day I'm sitting in my living room, watching my brother play with his new Xbox.

He's playing Halo there really any other game for the Xbox??

All of a sudden, the sound poops out, and all you get is a "Bzzzzztttt" sound coming from the TV. Justin (my brother) looks bewildered as the riveting machine-gun sound stops abruptly. He gets on his hands and knees, now trying to find out what is wrong with the TV.

"Justin, have you checked the wires to make sure they haven't wiggled loose?" I say, still staring, in a trance at the game as the main character continues to sway back and forth across the screen as if eager to continue with carnage.

"No, it can't be the wires." My brother replies, apprehensive. After all, I AM the dumbest person on this Earth, haven't you heard?

"Okay..." I say, watching my brother as he continues to look over every centimeter of his Xbox.
"Well, it's still under warranty,” My mother says after several minutes have passed and still the sound is the same.
"Too true,” I say, looking at Justin.

My brother, finally reaching his last resort to listen to me, reaches up to the wires, and pushes back in the "Sound Wire" (Don't know if it is the red, blue, green, purple, turquoise or white wire...) and BAM! Suddenly the sound starts blaring from the TV happily, as if it was waiting for nothing else.

Justin, surprised that I was right and also surprised by the amount of sound coming at him, now falls over and about does a somersault backwards into the chair.

"I TOLD you that was it!" I said gleefully, slapping him on the back.

"Whatever,” He says, grabbing his controller and falling into 'The Zone' again, still a little upset that I was right.

Serves him right! :-P