Answer the Phone

Me: "Hello?"
Salesman: "Yes, is this Jillian?"
Me: "Speaking."
Salesman: "Well, could I interest you in..."
Me: "Wait, I have a quick question for you before you go into the speech."
Salesman: (Sounding eager) "Yes, ma'am?"
Me: "Are you recording this?"
Salesman: (Slightly confused voice) "No, ma'am, why do you ask...?"
Me: "Oh, okay great...could...could you hold on for one sec?" (Muffled background noise)

Me: (Speaking away from the phone, roommate turns in her chair with eyes wide as golfballs) "KIDS!! KIDS! DON'T PLAY ON TOP OF THAT DAMMIT! GOD DAMN NOT ANOTHER ONE!!! MOTHER...DAMMIT!!!!! GET OFF OF THERE YOU LITTLE SNOT BITCHES..."

Me: (Said calmly, roommate doubled over with muffled laughter; I don't have any kids) "I'm sorry, you were saying?"
Salesman: (Caught off guard) "Oh, is this Ms. Jillian?"
Me: (Pretending to be agitated) "Speaking!"
Salesman: (Jumpy) "Oh! Of course, madam. I was wondering if you were planning on doing any donating this Christmas season to the Childrens..."
Me: "Wait...just...wait one more second, I'm terribly sorry about this"
Salesman: "Oh, erm, no problem ma'am."

Me: (Holding phone arms-length, yelling directly into the receiver) "KIDS!!! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES GOD DAMMIT!!!"

(Now I press the receiver to my chest in real life. I start laughing hysterically. Finally, I compose myself, and hold the phone out again. I see my roommate trying to keep really quiet while laughing; tears are pouring down her face.)

Me: "Jordan, get the hell over here, YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID!!! David...you...YOU EAT IT AND YOU'LL LOVE THE LITTLE BITCH AS WELL! EAT THE GOD DAMN CRAP ALREADY! AND YOU...STOP YOUR WHINING ALREADY!"

Me: (Back on the phone) "Sorry about that, you were saying?"
Salesman: "W-we offer plenty of opportunities to young children..."
Me: (Speaking over salesman, he still barrels on with his speech anyways) "DAVID! NO!!! GOD DAMMIT NOT AGAIN!!!"
Salesman: "...and if you accept to donate, we will send you a fee T-Shirt or a polo for...for the...husband?"

Me: "I have no husband."
Salesman: "OH! No offense, madam, I meant no offence."

Me: "I also don't have any kids."
Salesman: (Very confused voice) "Er...What?"
Me: "Do you need me to clean your ears?"
Salesman: "No, ma'am, I just heard you yelling..."
Me: "No, no I wasn't."
Salesman: (I can practically see his face contorting as he tries to understand what I just said) "You...weren't?"

Me: "Nope."

Me: (Hangs Up)