Sunday, November 28, 2004

Create Your Own Signoff

Well, I have been reading peoples' blogs around and I notice a lot of them have their own signoff-thing.

There are some blogs that have a simple saying such as "Peace." and then their name, while others' are more complex with a quote or saying at the end of each of their entries.

For example:
"Looks like these guys went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
-- Jillian"

Even still, others have a 'Moral of the Day' such as:

"Moral of Today: Don't eat batteries; I heard they cause cancer."

Well, since I'm going to become extremely famous someday, I figure that I better start thinking about a small punch line or something to end this blog. Everyone will love me and bow to my every command.

Hey, it's possible. :-)

Well, what do you think?

Or maybe this?

Friday, November 26, 2004

Go Shopping

...during THE BUSIEST shopping day in AMERICA!


This was the first year that I decided to do the whole "After Thanksgiving Christmas Shopping" experience. I felt that it was the PERFECT time to start, and, after all, who WOULDN'T want to wake up at 5:30 in the MORNING, arrive at Best Buy at 6AM, and wait IN LINE for 2 and a half hours?

Yeah, I know.

Not to mention driving through traffic like you are landing a B-47 in the landing space of about 3 feet.

Not pleasant, and I must say I'm happy I made it back alive.

"Normal" Conversations:

Random Woman: "Don't put that wrench inside of the package!"
Man: "But dearest, where ELSE am I supposed to put it?"
Random Woman: "Do you want to walk around with that wrench shoved up your ass?"

- - -

Child: "Mommy, can I have this?"
Mother: "No, honey."
Child: "Please?"
Mother: "No, honey."
Child: (Turns to me) "My mom and dad were 'getting busy' last night..."
Me: (Laughs)
Mother: (Blushes furiously, grabs her child) "Honeyyyyyyyyyy..."
Child: (Muffled Voice, still audible) "Dad made mom a really nice dinner, and after that they both drank wine and..."
Mother: (Talks over child) "Of COURSE you can have that toy honey!"

- - -

Woman Holding Bag: "Why did you get that?!"
Husband: (Cowering in the store) "Erm...I thought it would...look...nice??"
Woman Holding Bag: (Puts on stern look) "Don't think I don't know what you are up to."
Husband: "O-o-of COURSE not, sweetie-pie."
(Now the woman withdrawals a long and lethal-looking 'Therapy Device')
Woman Holding Bag: "Don't make me use this."
Husband: (Eyes Dangerous Device) "WHAT?! You're joking…I mean, it was just a little..."
Woman Holding Bag: (Said with a straight face) "I'm not really fussy where I stick this you know."
Husband: "Ahhhh..."

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Just a little reminder to not put anything you would regret later inside of your turkey!

For instance --

A relative...

Your in-laws...

My grandmother...

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Understand My Picture

Okay, yesterday I got no less than THREE E-Mails, asking me about my picture.

E-Mail Number One came from a creative genius who does not know how to spell the word "Please".

Pity him.

"i dun understand ur pic what does it mean can u pleas tell me?"

E-Mail Number Two is more insightful. A little creepy in the precision of the language, but still none-the-less insightful...

"This E-Mail is to inform you that your picture in your profile is not working. This message is not from the Administration, and please do not reply. I only wish to notify you that your picture says 'Picture loading...' forever. Signed, A Blogger Who Cares"

Interesting, and the third. Bluntly obvious and to the point.

"your pic no work. please fix do now."

At least, HE spelled "Please" the correct way.

For the record, here is my picture

Now I angrily stab the "Reply to All" button with the following message:

"Hey, morons!



Saturday, November 20, 2004

Dear Noteworthy College Student,

Hello you beautiful-yet-annoying creature from hell!

If you do not stop rustling your newspaper, I will have no choice but to incapacitate...

The Newspaper.

I was okay with the every-five-minute-rustle like a polite, businessperson-wannabe like yourself, but this new-every-2-second-rustling of the newspaper is not amusing.

So knock it off.


Don't make me come over there.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Listen to Music

Today, I wanted to finish my book.

That was, technically, my "Goal of the Day".

So, I went to the quietest place on the planet (Er, I mean, at this school).

The Library.

DUH! My sanctuary that ALSO happens to be the place that I volunteer at.

I just wanted to finish my book, and I also happened to have all the time in the world to do it.

I was just getting to the climax of my book, and I knew it was coming from the moment I started Chapter 10 out of the 20 chapters.

Did you get that joke? Should I repeat it for the dense people? Okay, moving on...

So, I am sitting there, my book propped against my legs which are stretched out on a couch that I have claimed as "my own".

After about five minutes, my eyes wander to the door, which has just swung open to reveal a person, apparently listening to his MP3 player.

He is also kinda' hot...


He comes over, and sits down on the couch opposite of me, bobbing his head slightly. I thought that maybe it was because of the momentum he produced from sitting down, but when I saw that his head still didn't stop moving even after he had stopped "sitting down", I started to get a little worried.

I look back at my book, stretched neatly across my lap.

"Like somehow you just don't belong...” I hear a soft utterance somewhere to my left. I look, and the guy with the MP3 player is also sitting, stretched out on the couch, singing softly.

For some reason I found this strangely amusing at the time, so I bit my lip to keep from snorting.


The guy suddenly bursts out in song, and I jump, my eyes I imagine are very wide at this point as I watch him. He’s singing, clear as day! I recover relatively fast from the sudden outburst and laugh aloud, while looking around quickly to view the damage.

There were not that many people on this floor in the first place, but the few people on the computers and the lone woman at the front desk certainly turned their heads to see what the commotion was.

This guy was not taking any notice of anyone now.

"TO BE KICKED! WHEN YOU'RE DOWN!!!” He yelled at the top of his lungs, slamming his head to the music. I realized at once that this was one of the songs that I had heard about 40 times last night on the radio.

Simple Plan's new song, I believe.


I snorted with laughter and tried to quickly compose myself for what I was about to do. I was also waiting for the chorus, which was to come any second now. . .


Ahh, there we go.

I motioned towards the guy to take off his headphones.

"What?” He said, clearly irritated that I had 'ruined' his song.
"Erm...You know you are singing, out loud...” I say, trying to sound irritated. I failed, letting a smirk cross my lips instead.

"I was?” The guy said blankly. I realized that I could now hear that very song reverberating from his headphones.

The guy looked around curiously, to the lone receptionist at the front desk, who was holding her mouth to keep from laughing, but I could still see tears running down her face. He looked to the people at the computers, staring wide-eyed at him, one of the girls wore a smirk similar like mine, and then he looked back to me, staring back at him.

"Oh.” He said softly, his face like the setting sun as he tried to make himself as small as possible on the couch.

"It's okay," I say bemusedly.

I swear that not 10 minutes later I hear it starting up again.

"To be kicked...when you’re down," He whispers, still audible above the stunning silence of the library.

I smile at my book and try to ignore the silence being punctuated by the lyrics of another song.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Appreciate Nature

Well, I was walking along with one of my friends the other day in the Quad.

Her name is Sandra.

We were not talking about anything particular, just the usual about classes and homework. I dug out a pack of gummy worms from my backpack, and was feeding them to myself and sharing with Sandra as well.

Eventually, the talk turns to guys we like, etc.

"Well, there is a really hot guy that is in my Biology I could get a piece of him!” Sandra said, slapping her leg in a rude manner.
"Oh come on can't like him THAT much, can you?" I said skeptically, after all, she hadn't really talked to him that much during the entire semester so far.
"What, it's possible! Plus, I don't see you saying 'no' to a hot guy...” She said, eyeing me carefully.

"What do you mean?” I said, fishing a particular gummy worm from the bottom of the bag, not really paying attention.
"What about that guy in English class?” She asked quickly, smiling in an odd way.

I looked up and slurped down a gummy-worm noisily.

"Erm...Who?” I ask after I had finished munching, trying my best to keep my face smooth and blank.
"You know 'who'...Jared!"
"Oh...what makes you say that?" I asked, my face still struggling to show no signs of emotion.

"Well, he just couldn't keep his EYES off of you the entire class period today, could he?” Sandra said.

I never before realized how exceptionally beautiful nature is in the Quad this time of year.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Set Off a Fire Alarm

Boy, this one sounds interesting, doesn't it?

Especially if you do it in your friends' dorm hall.

Good times.

So, I was visiting my friend in Hewett (it's an all-girls dorm) and her guy friend, David, came over that night also. We were having a great time, chilling out, talking, and watching movies.

Finally, I said that we should order pizza.

"Okay," Sandra (my friend) said. David agreed.

Sandra ordered the pizza, and about 45 minutes later, the front desk called to say that our pizza was here. Now, we were on the 12th floor, and we were NOT about to take the stairs.

I press the elevator button, and, while we were waiting, I became fascinated with the fire alarms for some reason. The fire alarms here are encased with plastic, with clear instructions at the bottom saying "Lift Here".

For some reason I found this very oddly funny, and I lifted my hand to show Sandra and touch the casing. When I did, the fire alarm went off like an orchestra of saws, scraping across a blackboard all at once.
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!” Sandra yelled to me, covering her ears while simultaneously backing away from the mounting noise.
"Nothing!" I said blankly, my hand still outstretched to the spot I was GOING to touch.

David was just standing there, laughing his head off.

" do I make it stop?” I say, investigating how in the hell it went off in the first place. It was hard to get near it, because the sound seemed to be issuing from this single fire alarm alone. I checked to make sure the fire alarm ITSELF wasn't pulled in anyway, and I took a few steps back to make sure the whole BUILDING wasn't going off (meaning a Fire Drill or that someone actually HAD pulled a fire alarm)

Nope, everything seemed okay, except for the ear-splitting racket coming from the fire alarm situated between the elevators.

Suddenly, I hear a faint 'Ding' as an elevator slid into view and it's doors opened.

"Well, we gotta' go and tell someone!” I yell to Sandra and David. Sandra is standing rooted to the spot.
"But, we have to DO something!” She says in a sort of shocked voice. I reach out of the elevator, and pull her inside. David walks in on his own. My brain is able to separate thoughts, as more came flooding in. The doors to the elevator close, blocking off the sound as well.

"You know," I say slowly, "If the alarm was going off in the whole BUILDING, then the elevators wouldn't be working...right?"
"Yeah..." Sandra says, clearly not taking in a word I had just said.

We get down the first floor, and I get off and immediately tell the front desk what I had done. Only, I altered my story to make it seem like we were just standing there and the fire alarm just HAPPENED to go off. The woman looked at me in a significant way, and then called up the appropriate people.

We walked away to the Hewett Foyer where all the doors are, and wait for our pizza. I didn't dare look at any of them.
"Sandra...” I said, finally stealing a glance at her.
"I didn't do anything, Jillian." She said, eyeing me.
"I know! I'll say I did it!" I exclaimed, clearly not wanting to get her into trouble.

"Excuse me...” A voice said to my left. I whirled around and came face-to-face with a businesswoman.
"I need your name.” She said, pointing to her clipboard. I read the heading, which said 'Log of Accidentals in Hewett'. I gulped.
"Jillian...” I said tentatively, giving her my last name as well. She wrote it down, along with my Social Security Number and where I lived along with my room number.
"Okay," She said, turning to Sandra.

"But, I did it!!” I yelled to the woman who was clearly about to ask for Sandra's name. The business-woman looked back at me, her eyebrows raised.
"Okay.” She said simply, and turned away.
"Wait!” I said, grabbing her by the shoulder lightly. She turned back around. "Will I be written up because of this?"
"Was it an accident?" She said, her eyes boring into mine.
"Of course!” I said automatically.
"Well, then I don't think so, but it will be investigated and you will receive a notice if you have been written up."
"But, you don't think I will.” I pressed.
"No, I don't.” The business-woman finally revealed, smiling benignly. I sighed, and turned away at last.

Just then, the pizza man came into the door, and I saw Sandra paying him.

"Thanks," I heard her say softly while we were back on the elevator on the way up again.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


The other day I was taking the bus to Wal-Mart. Nothing special there, just the average 20,000 students crammed onto one bus.

Okay, so that number would be everyone who GOES to my college, but you get the picture.

Let's just say I didn't have enough room to reach up and scratch my nose, or pick it.
Whichever came first, naturally.

I am standing up on this bus and holding onto the steel, which is incorrectly named "Support", for dear life.

After what seemed like an eternal silence, the bus stops. My knees buckle slightly as I hear the tires below me squeal. I see the Target sign looming overhead, and about half of the bus empties.

More than half, actually.

My eyes wander around the public transportation device, looking hopefully for a place to sit because the elderly normally gravitate towards the seats, filling them all.

Out of the gloom in the bus, I spot one.

A seat!

I hurry over, and sit down with a groan as the bus clangs to life again and moves forward with such force it felt as if we were going to take off in T-minus...

I look forward, facing towards the other side of the bus. A woman is staring back at me.

And she is not blinking.

My eyes water as I try to stare her down, but her eyes, staring fixedly on me, seemed to be getting wider by the minute. This woman apparently doesn’t seem to need to blink as much as normal humans do.

I immediately regretted sitting in this seat.

I look past her, out the window instead, but I kept on getting distracted by her un-blinking gaze that was fixedly set upon me.

"I think I know you...” The woman said dreamily, her gaze never waivering. I take a quick look behind me for the humor of the people sitting next to me. They take it up, and laugh as I point at myself and give off a fake, quizzical look.

"Erm...excuse me?” I say politely, finally meeting her protuberant eyes.
"What's your name, missus?” The woman said, staring, unblinkingly at me.
"Uhm...Jillian...” I say tentatively. I look down the aisle, only to see a few people sitting towards the front of the bus, staring strait ahead as if this were their last ride ever.

"What a beautiful name.” She said simply, eyeing me with her abnormally round eyes that gave this woman a permanently surprised look about her.

For some reason I was taking an intense liking towards her eyes, for they seriously looked like they should be popping out of her skull in a couple of minutes. The woman apparently noticed; after all, she hadn't stopped staring at me yet.

"Do you need to ask me something?" The odd woman said, surveying me with polite interest.

From the dreamy look in her eyes now, you would think she got on this bus by accident.

"Er...” I said, thinking fast as an awkward silence followed. I knew that my eyes were still narrowed, staring at the odd-woman's face.

I just want you to blink or something, I thought.

"No," I answered after the awkward silence had passed.
"Ah, I'm sure you will ask when the time comes.” The odd woman said pompously, finally turning her head and staring out the nearest window.

The man who was sitting near the odd woman recoiled in his seat slightly as she turned to him.

I don't think she blinked the entire way to Wal-Mart, and nor did she get off.

With the sun beating in her face for most of the way there, I'm surprised she did NOT blink...

Or squint...

Or even move her head for that matter.

It was the most peculiar thing I have ever witnessed.

Also, one of the most bizarre conversations I’ve had in awhile.

Just a reminder to all of the normal people out there:

Don't forget to Blink!

;-) <<-- Even smiley's can blink!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Dear Noteworthy College Student,

Hello again, and what a gloomy day I must say!

I don't mean to be rude, but I can't help but notice you and your boyfriend in the hallway. Is that your boyfriend, I wonder? You just cannot keep your eyes off him, can you?

Although I find it cute that you are locking arms, smiling at one another and giving each other small kisses, it is also somewhat disturbing.

Then again, are your braces stuck to him? I can't tell if that look on your boyfriend's face is one of mingled satisfaction or suffocation, but I'm sure you'll find out soon enough.

Now I am going to look away because of the nasty smacking sounds coming from you and your boyfriend, and I would appreciate it if you two could find a more private place to make-out in, okay?

Also, if you could please put your leg down? I know your boyfriend may like touching it every 3 seconds, but it's going to make me throw up in about 2 seconds if you don't back away slightly.

Don't forget that you are standing in front of a classroom, and people are going to be filing out in about a minute, so could you wrap it up?

Thanks for the consideration of others!


Friday, November 05, 2004

Refresh the Page

Oh boy, now this one is fun.

Wait: Insert "NOT" before the word 'fun' in the above sentence.

That's better.

The other day I was registering for my classes. Nothing too spectacular was going on, and I was getting excited as my "time" drew near.

At my school, everyone is assigned a special "Date" and "Time" that the mainframe will allow you to register. It's because there are 20 thousand people at this college...but no matter...

So I go to my "iCampus Portal" at the PRECISE time (down to the second, I don't want to waste any precious time when I'm actually ALLOWED in to register).

Please note that everything is also online, in case you are dense and have not figured it out yet, I will say again: The registration process is -- Online. Okay, dense people down, geniuses to go.

So I click on the link that says "Register Here". It comes up...and stalls for some reason. My computer seems to have frozen --

And it crashes.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" I yell at my computer, feeling as if the destiny of my very life was melting away. I quickly jam the Power button on my computer, and it snaps shut, as if irritated at me instead.

Damn computers.

I eagerly turn it back on after about 10 seconds, shooting a glance at my clock. "4:02" it glares back at me, mocking my very existence, as my entire life seemed to be poised at this very moment.

I click on my "iCampus Portal", click on the same link to go to my registration process...and...

My computer stalls.

I sit quietly, praying for tranquility within my soul at this point and the patience to resist serving my imaginative mind, which involves my computer and a blowtorch.

For the grace of God, my computer sprang back to life! The page reloads, and...

"An error has occurred, please go back and try again."


I can do this.

I click on the link to take me back. I click on "Register Here." again.

"An error has occurred, please go back and try again."

So, I did it again.

"The portal is down for maintenance. Please wait a few minutes, then refresh the channel."

I waited approximately 2 and 1/2 minutes, bringing the time to a stunning "4:07".

"The portal is down for maintenance. Please wait a few minutes, then refresh the channel."

By the grace of God, I wish now my computer would have shut off again; then I would have had the time to fire up the blowtorch at least...

Instead, I am left staring blankly at the neon-green font, flashing across my monitor screen again and again.

My roommate walked in a few minutes later, and leaned over to see "What was up." I couldn't speak, or move. I just sat there, my elbow on my desk clutching my hair into a tight ball in a strained sort of way. I just kept refreshing the channel over and over again, like some sort of weird human-robot.

The neon-green lettering was burning into my retinas now, but I didn't care if I had to see the words "An error has occurred..." for the rest of my life - as long as the registration would work...

After a few minutes of staring at the crazed person clicking 'Refresh' every 5 seconds or so, she chortled because she doesn't register until next week.

"Look on the bright side," she said bemusedly, looking at my clock, which now read '4:17', "At least no one else will be able to register now, right?"

"Don't make me throw this at you." I say grumpily, indicating my desktop computer.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Vote After Reading This

"Thank you for calling President Bush's Terror Hotline. All the recordings you're about to hear were made by yours truly, President George W. Bush."

"To continue in mangled English, press 1 now. For English with a southern drawl, press 2 now. For all other variants on American English, press 3 now."

"Please note, for training purposes, this call may be monitored and recorded. Especially if you have a Q in any part of your name that isn't immediately followed by a U."

"If you would like information regarding the nation's current Terror-Alert Status, press 1 now. If you would like information regarding next week's Terror-Alert Status, press 2 now. If you would like more information on what the Homeland Security Advisory System can do for you, press 3 now. To display the current Terror-Alert Status on your Website, press 4 now. To display the current Terror-Alert Status on a T-shirt, press 6 now and be sure to indicate Large, Extra-Large, or American Obese."

"If you have any information on the whereabouts of any terrorist, including people such as Osama Bin Laden, and would like to leave an anonymous message, press 1 now. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Vice President, Dick Cheney, please press 2 now. If you are calling to report suspicious activity by a possible sleeper cell, press 3 now. If you would like to hear my opinion on whether or not to allow federal funds, your tax dollars, to be used for scientific research on sleeper cells derived from human embryos, press 4 now."

"To hear a complete list of the more than three thousand Al-Qaeda leaders and foot soldiers that have been taken into custody around the globe, as read by Arnold Schwarzenegger, press 1 now. To hear me pronounce Al-Qaeda in a few different ways, press 2 now. To hear the few excerpts that I've read from The 9-11 Commission Report as read by some top member of my cabinet or other, press 3 now."

"To find out what kind of shenanigrams Al-Qaeda was planning in your hometown not too long ago, and I mean it, please enter your zip code followed by the pound key. To find out what Al-Qaeda is up to this very moment, in say, Pakistan or what have you, please hang up and try your call again later."

"For general information on the War on Terror and, more specifically, the war in Iraq, press 1 now. For more specific information on the War on Terror, and more specifically, the war in Iraq, press 2 now. To hear me justify the war in Iraq by restating the link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, press 3 now. To hear Secretary of State Colin Powell justify the war in Iraq by restating the link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, press 4 now. To hear Donald Duck justify the war in Iraq by restating the link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, press 5 now. To hear how your government intends to extricate itself from Iraq, please hold the line."

"Please continue to hold."

"Please continue to hold for the next President of The United States."

"Please continue to hold."

"If you do not wish to continue to hold, but would rather hear a rousing rendition of 'God Bless America' please press 0 now."

By: David Israel