Sunday, July 25, 2004

Wear Perfume

When I say Wear Perfume, I do NOT suggest marinating yourself in it as well, as I had the unfortunate account of having an elderly woman in the store.

Why is it that when elderly people wear perfume, they cause everyone around them to also smell like Eau de Toilette?

This woman comes in, and I eagerly stride around the counter to greet her and ask if she needed any assistance in finding any particular item. (Did I mention she was the first customer of the day and I wanted the day to start out well?)

Either way, I get about 3 feet away from this woman when WHAM! The smell hits me like a tidal wave of ferocious intoxicating gas. I stumble back a few steps, my head spinning from the head-on collision of this woman's aura.

I quickly view the boundaries in which I am prohibited, and I realize that I cannot get within 10 feet of this woman without being in her bubble of toxic fumes.

So I cup my hands around my mouth and yell across two aisles: "Are you having trouble locating anything ma'am?"

The woman slowly revolves around the spot to face me, clutching a particularly hideous bow; I see a ripple of her perfume cascade around the imaginary bubble of toxic fumes.
"What was that dearie?" She says kindly, cupping her hand around her ear in turn.

Oh no.

There are only two solutions: one would be to ignore what she said and walk away, and the other, more imaginary solution, would involve a blowtorch and the hideous patriotic bow she was holding.

Of course, there is a third, and this is to obviously face my fears of drowning and go toward this woman. Although the blowtorch option sounds nice, I do not think we have a substitute for such a versatile object in the store.

So I settle for the third option.

I walk toward her cautiously, and, just outside the boundary of her intoxicating, fumigated bubble, I take a deep breath, ready to make the plunge of my life, and step inside.

All is quiet, for it seemed as if the world shut itself off except for the gentle humming of 1000 volts overhead, or it could be the lack of any other customers in the store, either way -

"Do you need help locating anything in the store?" I say through the corner of my mouth. My eyes are watering, and I had only been in this woman's aura for a minute now.

"Oh no dearie, I just came in to buy one of these beautiful bows." She then gestures towards the hideous patriotic bow. Losing oxygen by the minute, I quickly tell her to call me if she needed anything and turned away.

Just outside of her bubble range, I take in huge gasps of air, feeling as if I had just sprinted the mile.

That was close.

I made it through another day, and although I was severely tempted to wear an oxygen mask when checking her out, I was still alive when that woman left, luckily.

Monday, July 19, 2004

Go to the Movies

I had the pleasure today to go and view the ever-popular "I-Robot".
Very interesting movie.
What is good about going to the movies is that you can see it with (or, without) whomever you wish.  You can go with your family, your friends, your girlfriend or boyfriend!  It doesn't matter who you go with, but it is really interesting to watch other people at the movies.
There are a few categories of people you see at the movies, but I will just name a few for your reading pleasure.
1.  The Snort-Laughing-At-Not-Funny-Parts Type
This type I happened to come across during my movie-going experience.  Now, there are not that many funny parts in this new release.  It is about Robots, taking over the world.  End of story.
And most of all, Not Funny.
There are few people who snort while they laugh, and at a particularly humorous part during the movie, this woman started guffawing, and snorting.  At the same time.  After about five minutes she stopped, and all the while I missed Will Smith blowing up a few more robots.
2.  The Loud-Talking-During-Entire-Movie Type
I couldn't figure out whether this particular group of males sitting directly behind me was deaf to the ear or just enjoy yelling as if they are sitting at opposite ends of a football stadium. 
Seriously annoying.
I was just sitting there, minding my own business - when I snapped. 
I turn around and let out a chosen stream of curse words, all the while I see my parents sitting in the background, horrified that their own child would do this sort of thing.  I take my package of Gummy-Bears and start chucking them at the guy who was talking loudest and within my "throwing range", one at a time.  Feeling much better after I relieved myself from about half the bag of gummy-bears, I sit down, angrily biting off a green bears' head.
At least, this is what I should have done.
Instead, I stare more intently at the screen, squeezing a gummy-bear until it's eyes bulged.
There are also, more random categories that I could go into further detail, especially about people who like to annoy others sitting behind them by wearing tall hats, like the one's only Dr. Seuss should wear.

For now, I'll leave it at those two categories, and be sure to watch out next time you go to a movie theatre, for you might become Blog Fodder.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Get On A Plane

Here's something that sometimes is not-so-interesting, but all the while you are saying, "Hey, I guess I could use a trip to Hawaii".

Am I correct?

Either way, I am going to help you to prepare for getting on a plane. There are, as one would say, a few "Do's" and a few "Don'ts" when on a plane.

First of all, if you decide to get on a plane, I do NOT suggest you bring along anything remotely sharp. They will confiscate it. Seriously. I've seen security confiscate nail clippers with nail files on them.

Not cool.

Next, you should NOT pack your entire house. No, the sink has to stay attached to the wall or floor, wherever you put it. And no, you cannot fit Fluffy (That cute little neighbors' dog you love so much) into your bag. He has to stay, too.

When preparing to pack, there are a few things you have to be aware of.

The first thing is that you will never have enough room in your luggage for everything you were intending to pack.

Trust me.

Last time I held a ticket to a plane, I was on "Stand-By" which means you could go coach, 2nd class, or First Class. Sometimes the "Stand-By" people had to sit in the Lavatory.

Just kidding!

Anyways, when preparing for take off, you have to be sure to have two things:

1. Gum.

If you are NOT chewing gum, once you get 30,000 feet in the air, you can bet your honchos that your ears are going to pop. And it is going to hurt if you didn't as much less swallow on the way up.

2. Your Hands.

Seriously, if you do not have your hands, when take off comes around you NEED to be clenching the armrests to your seat. (Please note that I did not say "your neighbors seat" or "the seat in front of you")

If not, you will go into what is known as "Butt-Clenching Mode".

Not nice.

I will also leave you to your own imagination at that.

If you follow these simple steps that I have put together, rest can be assured that you will have a safe and happy flight.

Oh, and watch out for that fat guy who always orders the Bean Soup.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Look Out For Stupid People

Okay, so not everyone you come across in your everyday life will be stupid, but I have had my fair share.

It all started yesterday.

It was a bright, sunny day, and we decided to go to our local Wal-Mart. My mother, Shai, and I went there to mainly look for things when we go to Denver, Colorado in a few days.

About Denver, Colorado

Oh, you wanted to know why I was going to Denver?

Well, Click Here Then. ;-)

Okay, so back to the point of this story:

We went to Wal-Mart yesterday, okay?

We were walking around Wal-Mart, and we picked up a few items, mainly snack foods and stuff like that for the airplane ride, you know?

Anyways, we go up to the counter to check out, I pile everything onto the conveyer belt, and it moves forward.

The cashier lady rings everything up, and my mom decides to use a credit card.

She swipes the card, and, naturally, a receipt prints out, asking for her drivers’ license and signature. The cashier pushes the receipt and a pen towards my mother and says:

"I just need your John Henry right there"

I blink once.


Did she just say 'John Henry'?

About John Henry

Well, if you want to just skip the reading and believe me, so be it:

John Henry was a man who helped create railroads; a huge man who used an enormous sledgehammer to drill the railroad ties into the ground.

Either way, at this point I just stand there, staring.

Suddenly, I had a vivid imagination of my mother bringing out her sledgehammer and whacking this woman a good one on top of her head, ridding the world of her stupidity.

I savored the thought for a moment.

After we collected our bags and were out of earshot, I turn to Shai and I saw her staring at me. Suddenly we both burst out laughing; not a single word was exchanged.

"Didn't she mean John Hancock?" I gasp in between cries of laughter.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Watch Your Neighbors

Here's a little observational tip:

Don't go looking in the windows!

You sicko.

What I mean by "Watch Your Neighbors" is exactly that. Observe them, in their natural habitat...Hmmmm...

(Please use best "Steve Irwin" voice)
Wotch them, as thay scurray about. Amazin', aren' thay? Carefol now! Don' wantcha' to getcha' hand bitten off by the raza'-sharp teeth they got tha'...

Okay, enough of that.

Either way, I should throw caution to the winds here though:

If you DO decide to watch your neighbors, please don't, I repeat: DON'T make it so blatantly dead obvious that they come over and tell you to knock it off.

I had that happen to me once...

I was the victim in that case!

What? You don't believe me? Well I'll tell you about it then!

* * *

I was swimming in our 4-and-a-half foot deep pool. I go under, naturally, and marvel at my own strength, as I am able to shoot across the pool, streaking through the water like some freaky fish.

I come up, eyes stinging from the chlorine, and I notice George (My neighbor, you moron) staring avidly at me.

Okay, whatever. I'm thinking; I noticed he had a rake in his hand, but I naturally guessed he was taking a break and leaning on it, staring off into space.

I thought nothing of it, my first mistake.

I go under, do a lap around the pool, and I come up, completely winded, and it just so happens I was on the same side as I was last time. I look over at George, and sure enough there he is, staring at me again.

Now I'm getting creeped out.

I go under for the third time, the pool seeming to reverberate with a single note as I pushed off the flimsy siding. I come up at the other side, do an about-face, and come streaming back.

This time I'm treading the water.

I get nearer to the edge of the pool, and I peer cautiously over the edge.

There's George again.

And yes, he's still staring at me.

This time, I go over to the side of the pool, climb out, and grab my towel. George's gaze is still following me, so therefore I definitely know he wasn't just innocently staring off into space.

I wrap the towel around me as I huff on over to the gate which (luckily for him) separates me from my "nice" neighbor.

"Hey!" I yell. He looks up, appearing innocently surprised that I was standing there.

The conversation was immediately getting more awkward than I intended it to be.

"Well I uh..."

This was definitely not how I imagine retorting to the 'Yes' he answered with.

"I was just swimming see, and I saw you over there,"
"Yeah, so?" He interjected.
"Well, I saw you staring at me, and I would appreciate it if I could just swim in peace!" I ended triumphantly, punching the air.
"It's a free country," He says simply, shrugging.

At this point I search swiftly for something sharp on the ground to throw at him.
Nothing but a few tiny sticks...
Oh hey there are a few rocks over there...

"Could. You. Please. Not. Make. It. Look. Obvious." My teeth are crunched together so tightly it is actually restricting the movement of my mouth.

If I was wearing shoes, I could have easily jumped the metal gate that was separating us (or thrown a shoe at him, either way), but unfortunately at this point in time I was barefoot, so I couldn't do so much as steam at him from the other side of the gate.

"Sure, whatever." He says, taking the rake and setting to work once more.

There was nothing left for me to do except turn around, and unfortunately I did NOT feel like getting back in the pool.

So when you do decide to watch your neighbors, make sure it is for Observational Purposes Only, and not to get your jollies or whatever else, okay?

Monday, July 05, 2004

Deface Government Property

Well, Here's something that I really don't recommend, but it popped up in a conversation when I worked a few days ago.

Here's how it went:

"Hello, Sir, is this it for you today?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
(I ring up his merchandise)
"Okay, that'll be $7.32" (Something like that)
"Alright." (Hands me a $10)

Now when I get two $1 bills from the register, I notice that one of them is marked with a LOT of red ink, but I couldn't make out what was on it.

"Okay, and your change is 2 dollars and 68 cents." (I hand him the money)

He rifles through it, I guess to make sure it is indeed the two dollars like I said it was, and he spots the massive amount of red ink.
"Oh hey, look at this one!" He holds out the red dollar bill, and I notice that it has been stamped about a million times with the same thing.
"What's that website?" I ask, staring at the blaring red ink all saying the same thing: 'Visit'.
"Oh, well I've heard of these thingy-ies before," He says, getting excited "It means that you can log on to that website and log this bill in and see where it has been!"

At this point I'm having severe difficultly at restraining myself from rolling my eyes.

"Well, that's great! Good luck!" I say, pretending to be enthusiastic about it. Suddenly, his face falls.
"Oh, well..."
"What's the problem?" I say, also frowning.
"Why do people deface government property anyways?"

I stand up straighter, looking as if someone had slapped me in the face. Man this guy went from excited to upset in about the time span of 3 minutes.

"Well, I mean, I didn't do it!" I say, as if he had been accusing me.

And then I got to thinking --
Why DO people do that? And where would you get a stamp like that? I never knew if he ever logged that bill in, because I have never seen him since, but if you ever get bored, I guess you could buy the "" stamps...

Buy Where's George Rubber Stamps

Oh, wait.


You can't.

I guess they, too, got in trouble for defacing government property.

Shame on them!

Friday, July 02, 2004

Falling Down

So I went to Wal-Mart today, on a mission for one thing, and one thing only.

Colored Pencils.

I know, it doesn't sound like much, and trust me it should not have taken 40 minutes to find these little colored writing utensils, but I got sidetracked.

So I barge straight into Wal-Mart, dodging the Watermelon display and accusing stares of employee's trying to hound people into buying one. I walk straight, eager to get out of here as soon as possible and for some reason slightly nervous I might buy something I never even came here for.

Wal-Mart can do that to people, ya' know.

I turn right, eyes glazed over as they scan across the women's wear section, trying to ignore the compulsive hunger pains as I pass the candy aisle and...Oh crap.

The Fourth of July Fireworks Display.

Eager as a schoolchild, I hurry forward, arms outstretched towards the neatly wrapped packages of fireworks, with their fire hazard warnings all over them and...


I tripped, over...something. I regain composure, heart racing as I had almost fell head-on into the magnificent display. I quickly turn around to see who or what had made me peal my eyes away from the fireworks, possibly even to thank him or her.

But no one was there.

Instead, I look down, only to see a very small rubber bump, blending in perfectly with the linoleum floor. I could see it now for the shadow it was creating from the light overhead.

Scolding myself for tripping over something not even an inch tall, I quickly move around to the other side of the display, eager to see what other Fourth of July goodies were there. I pick up a particularly dazzling package of Sparklers when I hear the same noise I had made a few moments ago, followed by a loud grunt.

I peer around the display, only to find another disgruntled customer (Go figure) who had tripped over the exact same 1/2-inch tall rubber bump. Smiling precariously, I take my package of Sparklers and head into the women's section.

While pretending to be viewing a nice pair of Khakis, I steal a glance at the display, twinkling serenely as people bustled by.

In the 10-minute time span I stood there looking at various states of shorts, I saw no more than 14 people trip over that annoying little bump on the floor.

Was this some sort of cruel joke for Wal-Mart employees?

Were people really that blind?

After this last thought crossed my mind, I frowned, telling myself that I had also done the exact same thing.

I also found it oddly entertaining to watch all of those people trip over that 1/2 inch-tall bump, only to get back up, face blazing like the setting sun at the realization of what they just tripped over.

As I watched, I noticed how people fell. Some people tripped gracefully, stumbling only slightly before quickly regaining composure. Most, unlike myself, were too excited about the Fireworks display to actually notice that they had just tripped over something.

Very few went into a full-fledged "trip": Arms flailing like windmills, legs suddenly turning to rubber, and the like. And then there was an even less percentage, like myself, who turned curiously at what had caused the stumble, trying to locate the source.

Clutching my Sparklers more defiantly, I strolled out of the women's section and past the display again. I looked very carefully at the floor, keeping an eye on that little bump, and just when I passed in front of it...It disappeared!


I doubled back to see it again, and sure enough, there was about a 3 foot span where you couldn't see that little annoyance at all since the light hit the ground at just the right spot, causing a glare off the abnormally white floor.

Finding this odd that the Wal-Mart employees would not have wondered why a certain display of fireworks is causing sparklers to end up in odd places like the detergent aisle, I dart down the school supplies aisles, snatch up my colored pencils, and find a register that is open. Waiting in line in a carefully chosen register, I now have a great view of the vicious fireworks display.

I get up to the counter, and point this out to the young man behind it. He squints his eyes for a second, watching 2 more people trip, sending a bottle of glue and a package of marshmallows flying into the air. His eyes wide, he looks back at me, wondering the exact same thing as I did:

How much is the lip balm?

Well, I'm sure he didn't think that, but I had just noticed a small display of 99-cent lip balm, and I was getting excited again.

Next thing I know, I turn back and a bunch of employees are crowded around the fireworks display, now moving it so that it sits on top of the little bump rather than 2 feet from it, causing a serious hazard.

I look back at my cashier, only to find him replaced, and unfortunately this new soul only knows one word:
I still tried to communicate to him by telling him thanks, and finally I was home free.

And that, my friends, is what retail will do to you.

Doing stupid things like putting a shiny display in front of a tiny bump, just to get entertainment by watching customers trip every 3 seconds!

Be safe this Fourth of July Weekend, and have fun! :-)