Dear Noteworthy College Student,

Hello you beautiful-yet-annoying creature from hell!

If you do not stop rustling your newspaper, I will have no choice but to incapacitate...

The Newspaper.

I was okay with the every-five-minute-rustle like a polite, businessperson-wannabe like yourself, but this new-every-2-second-rustling of the newspaper is not amusing.

So knock it off.

Seriously.

Don't make me come over there.

Me