Vote After Reading This

"Thank you for calling President Bush's Terror Hotline. All the recordings you're about to hear were made by yours truly, President George W. Bush."

"To continue in mangled English, press 1 now. For English with a southern drawl, press 2 now. For all other variants on American English, press 3 now."

"Please note, for training purposes, this call may be monitored and recorded. Especially if you have a Q in any part of your name that isn't immediately followed by a U."

"If you would like information regarding the nation's current Terror-Alert Status, press 1 now. If you would like information regarding next week's Terror-Alert Status, press 2 now. If you would like more information on what the Homeland Security Advisory System can do for you, press 3 now. To display the current Terror-Alert Status on your Website, press 4 now. To display the current Terror-Alert Status on a T-shirt, press 6 now and be sure to indicate Large, Extra-Large, or American Obese."

"If you have any information on the whereabouts of any terrorist, including people such as Osama Bin Laden, and would like to leave an anonymous message, press 1 now. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Vice President, Dick Cheney, please press 2 now. If you are calling to report suspicious activity by a possible sleeper cell, press 3 now. If you would like to hear my opinion on whether or not to allow federal funds, your tax dollars, to be used for scientific research on sleeper cells derived from human embryos, press 4 now."

"To hear a complete list of the more than three thousand Al-Qaeda leaders and foot soldiers that have been taken into custody around the globe, as read by Arnold Schwarzenegger, press 1 now. To hear me pronounce Al-Qaeda in a few different ways, press 2 now. To hear the few excerpts that I've read from The 9-11 Commission Report as read by some top member of my cabinet or other, press 3 now."

"To find out what kind of shenanigrams Al-Qaeda was planning in your hometown not too long ago, and I mean it, please enter your zip code followed by the pound key. To find out what Al-Qaeda is up to this very moment, in say, Pakistan or what have you, please hang up and try your call again later."

"For general information on the War on Terror and, more specifically, the war in Iraq, press 1 now. For more specific information on the War on Terror, and more specifically, the war in Iraq, press 2 now. To hear me justify the war in Iraq by restating the link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, press 3 now. To hear Secretary of State Colin Powell justify the war in Iraq by restating the link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, press 4 now. To hear Donald Duck justify the war in Iraq by restating the link between Al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, press 5 now. To hear how your government intends to extricate itself from Iraq, please hold the line."

"Please continue to hold."

"Please continue to hold for the next President of The United States."

"Please continue to hold."

"If you do not wish to continue to hold, but would rather hear a rousing rendition of 'God Bless America' please press 0 now."

By: David Israel