Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Get On A Plane

Here's something that sometimes is not-so-interesting, but all the while you are saying, "Hey, I guess I could use a trip to Hawaii".

Am I correct?

Either way, I am going to help you to prepare for getting on a plane. There are, as one would say, a few "Do's" and a few "Don'ts" when on a plane.

First of all, if you decide to get on a plane, I do NOT suggest you bring along anything remotely sharp. They will confiscate it. Seriously. I've seen security confiscate nail clippers with nail files on them.

Not cool.

Next, you should NOT pack your entire house. No, the sink has to stay attached to the wall or floor, wherever you put it. And no, you cannot fit Fluffy (That cute little neighbors' dog you love so much) into your bag. He has to stay, too.

When preparing to pack, there are a few things you have to be aware of.

The first thing is that you will never have enough room in your luggage for everything you were intending to pack.

Trust me.

Last time I held a ticket to a plane, I was on "Stand-By" which means you could go coach, 2nd class, or First Class. Sometimes the "Stand-By" people had to sit in the Lavatory.

Just kidding!

Anyways, when preparing for take off, you have to be sure to have two things:

1. Gum.

If you are NOT chewing gum, once you get 30,000 feet in the air, you can bet your honchos that your ears are going to pop. And it is going to hurt if you didn't as much less swallow on the way up.

2. Your Hands.

Seriously, if you do not have your hands, when take off comes around you NEED to be clenching the armrests to your seat. (Please note that I did not say "your neighbors seat" or "the seat in front of you")

If not, you will go into what is known as "Butt-Clenching Mode".

Not nice.

I will also leave you to your own imagination at that.

If you follow these simple steps that I have put together, rest can be assured that you will have a safe and happy flight.

Oh, and watch out for that fat guy who always orders the Bean Soup.