Thursday, July 08, 2004

Watch Your Neighbors

Here's a little observational tip:

Don't go looking in the windows!

You sicko.

What I mean by "Watch Your Neighbors" is exactly that. Observe them, in their natural habitat...Hmmmm...

(Please use best "Steve Irwin" voice)
Wotch them, as thay scurray about. Amazin', aren' thay? Carefol now! Don' wantcha' to getcha' hand bitten off by the raza'-sharp teeth they got tha'...

Okay, enough of that.

Either way, I should throw caution to the winds here though:

If you DO decide to watch your neighbors, please don't, I repeat: DON'T make it so blatantly dead obvious that they come over and tell you to knock it off.

I had that happen to me once...

I was the victim in that case!

What? You don't believe me? Well I'll tell you about it then!

* * *

I was swimming in our 4-and-a-half foot deep pool. I go under, naturally, and marvel at my own strength, as I am able to shoot across the pool, streaking through the water like some freaky fish.

I come up, eyes stinging from the chlorine, and I notice George (My neighbor, you moron) staring avidly at me.

Okay, whatever. I'm thinking; I noticed he had a rake in his hand, but I naturally guessed he was taking a break and leaning on it, staring off into space.

I thought nothing of it, my first mistake.

I go under, do a lap around the pool, and I come up, completely winded, and it just so happens I was on the same side as I was last time. I look over at George, and sure enough there he is, staring at me again.

Now I'm getting creeped out.

I go under for the third time, the pool seeming to reverberate with a single note as I pushed off the flimsy siding. I come up at the other side, do an about-face, and come streaming back.

This time I'm treading the water.

I get nearer to the edge of the pool, and I peer cautiously over the edge.

There's George again.

And yes, he's still staring at me.

This time, I go over to the side of the pool, climb out, and grab my towel. George's gaze is still following me, so therefore I definitely know he wasn't just innocently staring off into space.

I wrap the towel around me as I huff on over to the gate which (luckily for him) separates me from my "nice" neighbor.

"Hey!" I yell. He looks up, appearing innocently surprised that I was standing there.

The conversation was immediately getting more awkward than I intended it to be.

"Well I uh..."

This was definitely not how I imagine retorting to the 'Yes' he answered with.

"I was just swimming see, and I saw you over there,"
"Yeah, so?" He interjected.
"Well, I saw you staring at me, and I would appreciate it if I could just swim in peace!" I ended triumphantly, punching the air.
"It's a free country," He says simply, shrugging.

At this point I search swiftly for something sharp on the ground to throw at him.
Nothing but a few tiny sticks...
Oh hey there are a few rocks over there...

"Could. You. Please. Not. Make. It. Look. Obvious." My teeth are crunched together so tightly it is actually restricting the movement of my mouth.

If I was wearing shoes, I could have easily jumped the metal gate that was separating us (or thrown a shoe at him, either way), but unfortunately at this point in time I was barefoot, so I couldn't do so much as steam at him from the other side of the gate.

"Sure, whatever." He says, taking the rake and setting to work once more.

There was nothing left for me to do except turn around, and unfortunately I did NOT feel like getting back in the pool.

So when you do decide to watch your neighbors, make sure it is for Observational Purposes Only, and not to get your jollies or whatever else, okay?