Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Count the Thread

So I went to the local Wal-Mart the other day to look for sheets for the upcoming year. I noticed that the last time I had to buy sheets, there was only a few aisles and colors to choose from.

This day, however, Wal-Mart seemed to have expanded. They now house about 4 aisles worth of 'bedding', with several thousand colors and 'thread count'.

So, I'm standing in an aisle, looking at a particularly nice blue-colored sheet. I pick up the package to better inspect the color, when I see, out of the corner of my eye, a nice elderly lady motion at me from the left. Wondering if she, also, enjoyed this color, I walk over to her.

"Sweetie, I don't think I would go with the 500-count thread." The elderly lady deadpans as soon as I am within earshot, smiling all the while.

Did she just make a sexual remark about my bed? I wonder for about a second as I turn the package slowly over in my hands. I see the "500-Count Thread" in GIANT BOLD LETTERS on the back of it.

"Er, I don't think my bed really cares how many threads are in this pair of sheets." I crack, smiling up at the wall-o'-sheets. The elderly lady hoots.

I can see that the price rises exponentially with the thread count.

"Now, I would suggest the 1500 count thread,” The elderly lady says slowly, plucking a particularly flowery sheet package from the shelf and handing it to me. I turn it around slowly in my hands, taking in every detail.

Not only does it cost so much that I would have to take out a 5-year loan to pay for it, but the elderly lady is also acting as if everyone should buy 1500 thread count sheets.

I quickly cover up the random sputtering with a vicious, hacking cough. The elderly lady, looking concerned as she glances at me, takes the package back as if I were going to contaminate the sheets if I coughed on them.

I walk back to where I was looking at sheets previously. I yank a pair of red sheets off of the shelf, looking at them angrily.

"Not only do these cost so much that you will have to amputate your legs to pay for it, but they are also bullet-proof!" I imitate the overly-happy elderly woman, looking down the aisle and smiling at her.