Thursday, February 03, 2005

Set Off the Alarm

Well, personally I thought it would have been quite an accomplishment to say that I have actually set off an Alarm to the local Wal-Mart, but the whole shebang didn't turn out the way my imaginative mind played it out to be.

I walked into Wal-Mart, eager to get a DVD I had been craving. I go strait to the back, pluck it off the shelf, and cheerfully carry it forward into the queue of the customers shopping.

The woman scans the DVD, places it into a rather small bag, and stuffs it into my hands with a gruff "Have a nice day." I swear I can see the cashier’s ape hair sprouting from her arms at this angle...


I grab my bag; take out my receipt while simultaneously casting my ape-cashier nasty looks, making sure she knew I didn't want to lose a single penny with my purchase. I'm about 10 feet away from the door now, my eyes never-ceasing on scanning my receipt.


I throw myself full-force into a cart hauling ass with a flat-screen TV inside.

"Wartch whear yer goin' missy!" A man who slightly resembles the ape-cashier says. Maybe a cousin twice-removed...?
"Oh...sorry...” I stammer, treading back a few steps and letting them through.

I hold my receipt up once more, following the couple with the TV closely on their heels; we are neck-and-neck, racing for the door and...

Whirrn. Whirrn. Whirrn. Whirrn. Whirrn.

A shrill noise cuts into my ears. I gently fold the receipt and place it in my pocket, turning curiously as to whom or what had set off the alarms.

"Ma'AM!" I hear a man yelling towards me. I look over to what looks like about three employees about ready to single-handedly flag down a small airplane.

Oh, wait.

They are waving towards me!

I walk over, showing them also the greeting that I had used so many other times by raising my hand in response to their gesture.

"What's wrong?" I say, suddenly on alert. A large man with overalls on strides over, looking a little over-dressed for Wal-Mart and highly dignified.
"Ma'am, did you buy that?" The man says bluntly, pointing at my bag.
"What?" I say, my eyes widening as I hand them my DVD. "This??"
"Yes." The man says, taking my bag in his hand and taking out my DVD, showing it to everyone.
"Of COURSE I bought it!" I say, suddenly outraged.
"Mmmmmm...” Was all the guy could muster, making my DVD look like a dollhouse toy in his overly large hands.
"So, where's the receipt?" Another employee piped in, his voice squeaking. I turn towards him, and I swear sparks are about ready to fly out of either my ears or my ass.

"Right. Here." I say, taking it out of my pocket and thrusting it at the large man in overalls. He takes it and without blinking goes over the serial number, the cost and the title of the DVD to make sure they match.
"So you didn't steal it,” He says after a few minutes of matching have passed.

"Yeah, I did steal it: that's just the replica I made while I was waiting in line you jackass."

Is what I thought.

Instead, I made an exasperated little sigh that did the same thing.

"By the way, I think the people who might have REALLY stolen something are probably far away by now,” I say sarcastically, thinking of the couple with the flat-screen TV. I grab my stuff back suddenly, lurching forward. The man in overalls looks offended, but I'm already out of there.